“The Eye of the Beheader”

I swear, if your head wasn’t screwed on…it would look fabulous in a designer handbag! You know the kind celebutantes use to show off their chihuahuas?

Of course you can pull it off! Or anyway you’ll be able to by the time I’m done with you. You know what they say. If the shoe doesn’t fit: snip snip. And take my word for it, Your Royal – may I call you Cindy? The shoe never does fit. Not at first. Not without a little work. Or a lot. Remember, there are no fairy godmothers in this world. There are only ugly stepsister Befores and happily ever Afters.

Orange reptile skin, to match your eyes. You know, your headcase. Your husband’s suggestion, actually.

You look startled, Princess. But then, you always do. I remember when he was making the arrangements for wife number…I’m going to say three. Now, this was before the kinks had been completely ironed out, and I’m not just talking about her hair.

Oh, Cindy, you are too cute! Yes, of course His Royal Hubby knows all. What, between the bandages and the bills, it’s just going to be our little secret? Oh, I know, Princess. He really shouldn’t want you to have work done, and he really really shouldn’t know that you’ve been having work done all along.

Hey, hey! I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. There’s nothing ugly about not having any beauty secrets. Look at Adam and Eve. What’s a floating rib, give or take, between man and wife? He doesn’t hold that slenderized waist of yours against you, any more than he minds your nicely refined nose, or feels sick about your fat lips. And I’ve got news for you. The boobs he always knew about. He has no problem with the boobs.

Oh, her boobs? Not bad at all, if I do say so myself. Now, those cost – someone a pretty penny. But you, Princess, are worth a fat girl’s weight in gold. How can you imagine – ? Honestly, I’m stumped. I guess that makes two of us!

Your neck, Princess. You’re so tense. I know how to fix that. Forget about her. Listen, in this business I’ve seen it all before, and I’m telling you, she’ll come to a bad end, sure as you’re sitting here right now. You take it from me, Cindy, a girl like that is nothing – now hold still – but her own worst enemy.

 

© 2009 by Shannon Anthony

“The Eye of the Beheader” was originally published in Kaleidotrope.

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